


Date Night

by cortexx



Category: Doctor Who (2005), The Diary of River Song (Big Finish Audio)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-14
Updated: 2021-03-14
Packaged: 2021-03-21 23:21:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,372
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30029415
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/cortexx/pseuds/cortexx
Summary: "And Doctor Song, in prison all her days?" "Her days, yes. Her nights… well, that's between her and me, eh?"Just another date night for River Song and Her Doctor.This fic is prompted by the song Buddy Holly by Weezer. The lyrics always make me think of River and The Doctor getting into some kind of shenanigans.
Relationships: Amy Pond/Rory Williams, Eleventh Doctor/River Song
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Date Night

As the TARDIS materialises just outside the most popular restaurant on the planet Dromius C66, The Doctor straightens his suit jacket and offers his elbow to his wife. River places a delicate hand on it and they step out onto the unpaved textured terrain hidden only by a silk makeshift aisle leading from the ship parking to the restaurant door. 

“Have her back before midnight.” Amy says, waving at them from the console room. 

“Or else.” Rory adds, closing the door behind them. 

“You probably should have worn flats.” The Doctor mutters, as his characteristically stealth little psychopath seems to be having trouble keeping her ankles intact, her five inch spiked heels having met their match with the uneven ground beneath them. 

River looks at him, clearly affronted by the mere suggestion. “You don’t like my outfit?” She asks in mock innocence, as if she didn’t see him appreciating the skin tight evening gown with the scandalously high slit as she helped pilot the TARDIS. “Just don’t let go.” She murmurs, tightening her grip on his elbow. 

“Wouldn’t dream of it.” He says, placing his other hand over hers. 

The Doctor requests a table for two and the host clicks some buttons into a digital tablet. 

As they wait for their table, they admire the glass display cases around the foyer holding ancient artifacts from the planet's early days. 

“That is the real skull of Emperor Uz’aius.” The host explains. “After his death his body was left in his personal wake tomb. When his servants returned to prepare him to be marched through the capital city to receive his last rights at the holy temple, his bones were completely cleaned of flesh and his eyes had become those emeralds you see.” He continued as River and The Doctor listened and nodded with interest. 

As The Doctor opened his mouth to correct the host of what had _actually_ happened, River gripped him tighter, silently warning him to shut up before he offended the inhabitants. 

—

The Doctor impresses the wait staff by ordering in the native language himself rather than using the on hand voice activated translators. River rolls her eyes at their fawning over him, knowing it’s the TARDIS truly at work. 

“Sweetie, if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to visit the little assassins room and powder my nose.” River tells him with a cheeky wink, gracefully rising and picking up her evening bag. The Doctor stands and watches her disappear out of the dining area toward the front of the restaurant where the rest areas are. 

The waiter brings over their drinks and is placing them on the table when River returns to her seat. “Perfect timing.” The Doctor says and River smiles at him around her glass. 

Deep in conversation, the couple doesn’t notice when the waiter has returned with the host huddling behind him until the waiter clears his throat. 

“Sir, there seems to be a small problem.” The waiter says, glancing only briefly at River through the corner of his eye. 

“Ah, unfortunately, I am on a date, but perhaps I might be able to offer some assistance.” He replies, looking apologetically at his wife who’s eyes widen briefly in agreement. 

“Sir, it seems that your… erm… courtesan…—“ the waiter begins and The Doctor cuts him off.

“My what?” He asks, the translation matrix having clear issues with whatever word they had used.

“Your… concubine?” The waiter tries again.

“My what?” The Doctor asks again, looking around the table for that translator device. 

“Your scarlet lady…?” The waiter tries again, clearly becoming as agitated as The Doctor.

“Whore. He thinks I’m your plaything for hire.” River says dryly, rolling her eyes and popping the cherry from her drink into her mouth. 

The Doctor shoves his chair out and stands swiftly, slamming his hand on the table. “Speak of my _wife_ like that again and I’ll let her remove your intestines through your eye sockets!” He shouts, but River sits calmly, finishing her cocktail. 

“Apologies, sir, we only assumed she was… a paid assistant.” The waiter said, clearly uncomfortable. “It just seems that your wife, while admiring its beauty, _accidentally,_ put the sacred skull of Emperor Uz’aius into her bag.” He gestures towards River’s tiny sequin clutch bag. 

The Doctor’s outrage oozes from his every pore, and he can barely speak. “First, you call my wife a whore, and now a thief?!” He says, his voice a low venomous growl. 

The waiter raises all four of his hands as if trying to calm the furious Time Lord. “She was seen removing the artifact from its case and putting it into her bag.” The waiter insists. 

“Are you daft? Look at that bag! It wouldn’t fit a hair pin, let alone your Emperor’s inflated head!” The Doctor shouts. 

“I’m sure this is simply a misunderstanding, so if we could just look in the bag and confirm—“ The waiter says. 

“Not a chance.” River says casually, but grasps her bag a little closer. 

“Madam, we must insist.” The waiter replies. “Perhaps this is all just a misunderstanding.” 

The Doctor rolls his eyes and gestures to River’s bag. “Oh just show him your bag.” He says, irritated by the ruined evening. “We have nothing to hide.”

“I will not.” River says through her teeth, plastering a fake smile on her face and glaring daggers at her husband. 

The Doctor’s eyes meet River’s and a silent understanding flashes between them. “Yes, sorry. My wife will not show you inside her bag.” He says, crossing his arms. “She has… feminine items in there. Very private.” He says whispering conspiratorially to the waiter. 

“Sir, we demand you allow us to check that bag.” The waiter said firmly. 

River sighs. “Oh fine!” she says. Standing and carefully unclamping her bag, she opens the flap and The Doctor, the waiter, and the host lean over to peer inside at the semi crumbling skull with sparkling twin emeralds peering back at them. “BOO!” River shouts, startling the trio and the growing onlookers. 

The Doctor claps his hands together loudly. “Well! That is embarrassing!” He announces. “We will just give that back then.” He says through his teeth, glaring at River. 

River nods enthusiastically. “Of course, yes. We’ll just drop it back where we found it on our way out.” She says. Motioning as if to leave. 

“Madam, please hand over the Emperor’s head immediately and nobody needs to get hurt.” The waiter says, beckoning over the security staff from the back of the restaurant and clearly having no idea how enormous of a mistake he’s just made in threatening River Song.

River laughs softly and smiles at them, but her eyes flash, and the suppressed psychopath appears in them. “Sir, please allow us to walk out of here right now, and neither your staff nor patrons need to get hurt.” 

The Doctor watches as the security staff get closer, working through the growing crowd of onlookers, hands already on their holstered weapons. “River…” he growls, counting how many guards are coming their way. 

“I suppose it’s pumpkin time.” River huffs rolling her eyes and handing her purse to her husband.

The Doctor sighs loudly. “Yes, Dear.” He replies, tucking the small clutch under his arm.

The waiter looks from River’s face to The Doctor’s questioningly. “What is _pumpkin time_?” He asks. 

River shrugs elegantly. “It means the party’s over. We’ve got to run.” She says, stepping out of one shoe and then the other as inconspicuous as possible. 

“And all she’s leaving behind are her shoes.” The Doctor mutters, shaking his head in exasperation. 

In a single, well practiced motion, The Doctor grabs River’s right hand while she reaches into the slit in her dress with her left and pulls a ray gun from her thigh holster, allowing herself to be pulled along blindly by her husband as she holds off the security guards with well aimed shots around their feet. As they pass through the threshold of the dining room, she shoots off one last beam at the enormous chandelier, sending it crashing to the floor and effectively blocking anyone from following them through the door. 

Bounding into the TARDIS, The Doctor slams the door behind them and presses his back against it for old measure as River runs up to the console and starts punching in coordinates. 

“You’re back so soon.” Amy says, entering the console room from the corridor leading to her’s and Rory's room. “Where are your shoes?” She asks looking at her daughter’s bare feet, covered in rust coloured dirt. 

“Had to leave them behind.” River says casually, satisfied with the autopilot settings and turning to lean her backside against the console so she’s facing her parents. 

The Doctor exhales loudly. “Your daughter…” he grumbles, holding up River’s handbag with one hand and angrily loosening his bow tie with the other. 

River gleefully snatches her bag from her husband’s hand and peers inside, her face alight like a child on Christmas. Producing the skull and tossing her bag on the floor at her feet, River holds it up to the light. “Those would make a beautiful pair of earrings.” She murmurs with a reverence in her voice. 

“Are you bloody insane?” The Doctor asks, throwing his arms in the air theatrically exasperated. 

“How did that even fit in there?” Rory asks, interrupting the argument. 

“It’s bigger on the inside.” River and The Doctor reply in unison. 

River laughs out loud and places the skull on a flat surface of the console. “And Yes, I am, now help me gouge these eyes out.” She replies, grinning at all three horrified faces looking at her. The Doctor shakes his head and reaches into his bigger on the inside jacket pocket, begrudgingly handing over his favourite custard spoon. “Thank you, Sweetie.” She murmurs absently. 

“So, who is your friend?” Amy asks, watching in disgust as River carefully digs the emeralds out of the eye sockets. 

“This is the illegitimate son of Emperor Uz’aius. The Emperor impregnated a young woman in one of the countries he conquered.” She says, extending her open palm to The Doctor, who places a small paint brush into her hand from the depths of his pockets. “When the boy turned sixteen, he was eligible to dethrone his father and take his rightful place. So when the boy trekked to the Emperor’s palace and told them who he was, the Emperor had him arrested. All he wanted was to know where he came from — to know his father.” She says, speaking softly as if the vibration of her voice might harm the skull she was working on. She frees one emerald and The Doctor is quick to lay out a handkerchief beside her, which she places the stone onto gingerly. 

As the silence stretches, Rory speaks softly. “What happened to the boy?” He asks. Both The Doctor and River frown sadly. 

When River doesn’t continue, The Doctor replies softly, placing a gentle hand on the top of the skull. “He was forgotten in the dungeons. Starved to death.” He murmurs quietly. “His body was eventually returned to his mother, who begged them to give him a ceremonial burial that would take him to the afterlife, but they refused, instead damning the boy’s soul to wander the planet for eternity. The ceremony was only for royalty. All others were considered unworthy for the kingdom of the night.” 

Amy swipes a tear angrily from her cheek. “How could he do that to his own child?” She asks, stepping closer, clearly no longer seeing a crumbling skull, but an abandoned child. 

River liberates the second gemstone and places it next to the first. “Well, when word was sent out to the people that the Emperor had died, the boy’s mother got her revenge.” She says, a smirk on her face. She broke into the Emperor’s wake tomb and stole his body, leaving the bones of her son in his place to receive the ritual rights into the hereafter.” She finishes, gingerly placing the boy's skull on the console. 

“When the bones were found, they thought something devine had happened, to spare the Emperor from the grotesque decomposition process. The boy’s bones were blessed, his skull adorned with precious gems, and he was buried in consecrated grounds.” The Doctor adds, smiling at the irony of it all.

“So, how did his head wind up in a restaurant?” Rory asks incredulously. 

The Doctor grumbles his response simultaneously with River’s enthusiastic response. 

“Gravediggers.”

“Archeologists!”

“What was his name?” Amy asks quietly, but both River and The Doctor shake their heads.

“Nobody knows.” River replies, looking sadly at the skull. 

Clapping his hands together, The Doctor does a clumsy little dance and starts jabbing in coordinates. “River! Get some shoes… flat ones.” He shouts excitedly, pointing at his wife’s filthy bare feet. They land and exit the TARDIS onto the same planet they had just left; however, it is much less developed, the buildings simple and made of clay from the ground. “This way, I think.” He says quietly, leading the others down a dark alley. 

They come upon a small boy playing in the dirt with handmade toy soldiers. “Hello.” The Doctor says brightly, crouching down in the dirt beside the boy, who offers one of his toys to The Doctor. 

“That’s the Emperor.” The boy says. “Mama says I will be the Emperor someday.” He adds. 

A woman approaches quickly, clearly worried about the strange group of aliens talking to her child. “Roq’ik!” She calls breathlessly as she approaches and reaches for his hand. 

“Hello!” The Doctor says brightly, rising to his feet and dusting his pants off. He hands the boy back his toy. “It was lovely meeting you Emperor Roq’ik.” The Doctor says, bowing to the boy. River, Amy and Rory follow suit before they take their leave. 

—

River and The Doctor exchange a series of looks, an entire silent conversation transpiring before they pilot the TARDIS together. 

“Where are we?” Amy asks as they open the TARDIS doors. “Or rather, _when…_?” She amends, seeing that they are clearly on the same planet. 

“We’re taking The Emperor home.” The Doctor says, leading their party out. They walk for a short time before coming to a large stone tomb, the ornate door engraved with Emperor Uz’aius’ name. “Would you like the honours?” He asks, holding his sonic screwdriver out to his wife. 

River takes the sonic and the stone door slides out of the way. They enter the tomb silently and watch as she places Roq’ik’s skull on the altar where it belongs. “Rest now, your highness.” She whispers, leaning over and placing a soft kiss on the forehead. 

They leave the tomb silently and River replaces the door before handing back the sonic. “Wait.” The Doctor says, halting them as they begin the walk back to the TARDIS. He aims the sonic at the stone door and watches as the inscription changes. 

**Emperor Roq’ik**

**Cherished Son**

—

“River Song, go slip into something sexy for me.” The Doctor says with a wink as they board the TARDIS again. Amy and Rory grumble as River saunters off down a corridor in her ruined evening gown. 

“You could at least wait until we go to bed.” Rory mutters, shaking his head in disgust. 

The Doctor looks up, confused by their disgusted expressions. “I thought you’d want to join us.” He says, with a shrug. 

Rory sputters, stalking over to where The Doctor is standing. “I don’t know what sort of family you think you married into, or what is considered normal where you’re from, but you’re way—“

“How do I look?” River interrupts, walking into the console room with her arms outstretched to present herself. 

“Positively illegal.” The Doctor beams, taking her hand and spinning her around, admiring the black jumpsuit clinging to River like a second skin. “May I help you with your harness, Dear?” He asks, taking the nylon straps from her hands and stooping so she can step into it, 

“Excuse me, what the bloody hell are you doing now.” Amy interjects. 

“Breaking into a museum.” River says absently strapping a grappling hook gun to her thigh. 

They don’t have time to react as the TARDIS lands and River opens the door. “3 minutes.” The Doctor tells her as she steps out onto the roof of the museum. He tosses his sonic screwdriver to her, which she catches with perfect precision, blowing him a kiss and pulling the black face mask down over face. 

They watch from the doorway as River uses the sonic to cut a perfectly round hole in the glass skylight, hooks her tether to the TARDIS and slips down through the glass. 

The Doctor stares at the stopwatch in his hand, shushing Amy and Rory anytime they ask what’s going on. 

15 seconds. The tethered rope goes slack. She’s on the ground. 

As soon as the three minute mark hits, they see the grappling hook shoot out the hole River went through, hooking onto the TARDIS. The Doctor checks it and tugs twice.

The three step out of the TARDIS and look down the hole, watching as River gracefully rises up to the rooftop again. The Doctor offers her his hand when she gets close enough, pulling her the rest of the way up. 

“What did you steal this time, Melody?” Amy asks, crossing her arms, but River just winks and saunters into the TARDIS.

—

Inside the TARDIS, River drops her gear on the floor while The Doctor pilots. When the doors open again, they’re parked in front of a large modern looking building with a sign that reads **_The United Intergalactic Museum of Planetary History_ **

“Come along, Ponds!” The Doctor says, bouncing on his feet with child-like excitement. “This way! Come on!” He says impatiently as his oblivious companions stroll through leisurely. 

The Doctor stops in front of a glass case holding twin emeralds, a drawing of the boy they met, Roq’ik, and a passage about the lost son of Emperor Uz’aius of the planet Dromius C66. 

“You… what about your earrings?” Amy jokes, shaking her head in confusion, but River just smiles, staring at the sketch she drew of the boy in the dirt on a page torn from her diary. 

“It was never about the gems.” The Doctor says softly, reaching for River’s hand. “She always goes back for the children.” He adds lifting her hand to mouth and brushing a kiss across her knuckles. 

“Uh… guys?” Rory interrupts, and they look around, seeing several security guards slowly approaching. 

“Looks like we’ve overstayed our welcome.” River mutters. 

“River Song - Criminal Mastermind, freeze!” One guard yells, holding his weapon out, aimed at River. 

“Mastermind! Flattery will get you nowhere.” River quips. 

The Doctor clears his throat and whistles casually. “RUN!” He shouts, grabbing his wife’s hand and glancing over his shoulder to ensure Amy and Rory were following. 

—

The Doctor comes into the console room from a corridor carrying a small gift bag to find Amy and Rory sitting on the steps. “Where’s River?” He asks, to which Amy nods in the direction behind him. “Aha!” He says, taking in her wet hair and plush robe. “If you will?” He asks, gesturing to an empty spot on the steps. 

River sits down and The Doctor gets down on one knee in front of her, putting the bag beside him. He reaches out, gingerly lifting her newly clean foot in one hand and reaching into the bag with the other. “I believe you require a new pair of shoes.” He murmurs before slipping her foot into a plush pink slipper with floppy bunny ears. 

She laughs as he puts the match on her other foot and taps her nose before getting up. 

“Well, as exciting as your date night was, I think I’m about ready to turn in.” Amy says, rising to her feet and dragging Rory up with her. 

Once they’ve disappeared down the hall to their room, The Doctor looks at River and asks as casually as he can “you aren’t tired, right?”. River shakes her head, and he extends his hand to her. 

“Excellent! Where to next, Professor Song?”

**Author's Note:**

> “She always goes back for the children.” Was taken from Big Finish The Diary of River Song audio play series and hearing it actually added so much additional depth to this character that I couldn’t help but explore.


End file.
